Reclaiming Your Time and Energy: On Women and Emotional Labor
Image Credit: Mohamed Nohassi
One of the most common concerns I hear from the women I work with in my psychotherapy practice is a feeling of unexplained fatigue. It’s not a run-of-the-mill fatigue, mind you. My clients describe their experiences as a deep, bone-tired feeling. Soul-tired.
It’s the kind of tired that is not easily remedied by more sleep or a day of self-care. And it leaves women feeling like they are somehow failing at life because they are constantly exhausted.
As a holistic psychotherapist for women, I take my client’s concerns seriously. We talk about factors like work stress, parenting demands, relationships, basic nutrition, sleep hygiene and movement practices as they apply to mental health.
We may also discuss visiting a medical doctor or naturopathic doctor for routine screenings if indicated. But more often than not, the aggravating factor is much more common place. And for that reason clients haven’t even considered it as a possible factor for their every day exhaustion.
What we’re talking about here is the not-so-hidden cost of emotional labor. So, let’s discucss.
Tracking your Emotional Labor
Take a minute to think about how you navigate your day-to-day. Many of us, unconsciously or consciously, extend ourselves not because we want to or because we have the capacity, but because of spoken or unspoken expectation. It is exceedingly common for women to mask our emotions, code switch or manage the emotions of others (ie people pleasing) as we move through the world. All of these behaviors equate emotional labor and can result in chronic mental, emotional and physical fatigue and burnout if left unchecked.
Here are some examples of what emotional labor in women may look like:
You find yourself pulled into a support role without full consent or reciprocity.
You feel like you need to justify the decisions you make about your body, including how you dress, whether or not you wear makeup, eat ice cream, and so on.
You’ve been told you should smile more at work (or anywhere, really.)
You are constantly thinking about your safety - safest route, how to get home, whether you can be alone etc.
You feel uncomfortable saying no at work when someone asks to “pick your brain” when you have already have an endless to do list.
You are tasked with educating male co-workers or those in your social group about privilege. This scenario is even more insidious for women of color who are often tasked with educating about male privilege and white privilege.
While the term emotional labor came about in the 1980s, it’s only been in the past five or so years the concept has gained traction in mainstream culture. More attention is being paid to the unacknowledged roles women take up in their homes, schools, offices and community spaces, but change is slow. Too slow, in fact.
Image Credit: Jenn Linser
First things, first.
Before you can reclaim your energy you first need to identify when you’re expending it without enthusiastic consent. This may not be as easy as it sounds given that so much of our emotional labor happens without much thought. Begin with mindfulness, tap into your body feels. Does your jaw clench? Do your shoulders tense? Know also that anger and irritability can be your allies.
Notice when even a glimmer of anger or irritability surface and check-in with yourself: Do I want a/o need to be engaging in this conversation or activity?
Anger, irritability muscle tension are often a good indicator that our boundaries are being crossed. Once we recognize that, we can choose our course of action.
3 Ways to Care for Yourself
Access Community Care - Getting support from others who understand your experience and/or who are validating is key. This is a first step in helping to refill our cups. Make sure to let your supporters know what you find most helpful to minimize the (very natural) tendency to want to problem solve. And don’t be afraid to seek out professional support from a woman-centered or feminist therapist. The toll of unchecked emotional labor can lead to symptoms of anxiety and depression. You deserve excellent care and support.
Name Your Boundary - Boundary setting can feel intimidating, particularly in toxic work or family relationships and it may take time to work up to it. It’s also important to note that setting boundaries and limits can result in its own kind of emotional labor depending on your individual situation. You get to decide if addressing the issue head on is the right choice. I often encourage my clients to practice stating their feelings and their needs to folks who are seeking or taking support.
Example: “I feel overwhelmed at the moment and don’t have capacity to have this conversation. I need to table this conversation for another time.”
Remember that often folks will not understand or like your boundaries. Especially when you first begin. It’s more important that they respect them.
Practice Energetic Hygiene - It may not be possible for you to set hard limits in the beginning or at all. If this is the case, it’s even more reason to practice energetic hygiene - a fancy way of saying: take care of yourself. If you know you’ll be expending emotional resources plan ahead and think about what you’ll need before and after to resource yourself. If you have an unexpected interaction, think about what you’ll need after to recharge. For some people rituals such as taking a shower or eating delicious food is nourishing. Other folks require solitude or interactions with close friends to recharge. Check out my blog on Soul Care to learn more about nourishing practices.
Accessing Women-Centered Therapy in San Diego and throughout California
My practice focuses on the support of women and teen girls navigating the ins and outs of this beautiful and challenging life. I often work with clients to address issues of anxiety, stress, burnout and trauma, so please know I am available to support you as well. My psychotherapy practice, based in San Diego, serves women and teen girls throughout the state of California. My approach is holistic and tailored to each client’s needs and goals. If you're interested in learning more about how I work with women and girls around this very topic, please feel free to reach out. I'd love to hear from you.
Till next time, wishing you all health and ease,
Jessika
Image Credit: Monty Lov
Other services offered by Jessika Fruchter, LMFT- Therapy for Women and Girls
Groups and Workshops for Women: Magic happens when women come together! I offer new groups and workshops quarterly, both online and in-person. Topics and themes have included:
Therapeutic Writing
Mask Making
Tarot Practice for Developing Intuition
Women’s Circles
Clinical Consultation for Therapists:
I specialize in collaborating with clinicians who want to integrate expressive arts therapy or psychospiritual practices such as tarot therapy, dreamwork, altar making, and ritual, into their practices. I also offer training on these topics. To learn more about my offerings for clinicians visit: www.mycreativepractice.com.
Training for Psychotherapists:
I have a passion for providing creative and useful training to teams on the front line of community mental health and in private practice. Past trainings have focused on trauma-informed expressive arts therapy interventions and burnout prevention. Additionally, I offer trainings in spiritually-integrated therapy. If you are interested in my next training on using Ritual in Clinical Practice, click here. Training may also be developed/tailored based on the unique need of the team. Contact me here.
Books and Blogs:
Check out my first book project for teens published in September 2021. For articles and essays about women’s mental health and wellness, check out my blog, Say More and you can also subscribe to receive the latest updates.
