On finding Your People & Trusting Your Gut

One of the most common experiences I hear from clients is one of wanting, craving connection. Sometimes the context is romantic partnership, but just as often it is about cultivating more meaningful friendships or intentional community as an adult woman. After all, we are wired for connection. Without it, it’s common to experience feelings of anxiety, sadness and hopelessness.

So why is it so Hard to make and Keep friends as an Adult?

This sentiment of longing for connection is typically followed with how challenging the process can be with full schedules and well, life. For many in this post-quarantine era, it has become even harder to connect with festering social anxiety, remote working etc.

I hear it.

Also, as we change and grow over time, it makes sense that there may be shifting in our social landscapes, and things can often feel sparse before they blossom again.

But I’ll offer that the logistical challenges that come with developing new relationships in adulthood may also be a gift or an invitation to take pause and get clear on what types of relationships we actually want in our lives. It’s then that we can move forward intentionally, mindfully.

Ask yourself this: Who do I really want in my life?

Interestingly, when I ask folks to envision who they would want to share their time with they often name character traits of others they view as compatible, sometimes even careers those people may have. This isn't a "bad" strategy per se, but it may be limiting.

If ever there was a time to rely on intuition and emotional intelligence, this would be it … when we’re seeking our people, yes? 

So what if instead of making lists of character traits, we took the time to consider how we’d like to feel in our relationships? 

Examples: I want to feel heard, I want to feel received, I want to feel joyful and at ease, I want to feel accepted as my full self.

And what if instead of seeking folks with similar career paths, we again pause to take inventory of our values and seek out others who might share them. 

Examples: I value self-inquiry, I value humor and goofiness, I value social equity. I value creativity.
 
It's a different approach than many of us are used to, I know. But by tapping into our emotional needs this way, we are more able to bypass preconceived ideas of who might actually add to our lives and vice versa.

We're able to feel our way in to relationships and be curious. 

• Do I feel expansive and giving when I'm spending time with someone?

• Or do I feel guarded and shutdown?

• Do I feel energized and resourced?

• Or do I feel drained from giving with little reciprocity? 
  
  There's a lot of information to be had by paying attention in this way. And from a more informed place, we're able to ask important questions of ourselves and make healthier decisions.

• Is this a relationship I want to pursue?

• Is there a disconnect and is it something I want to address and work on?

• Or is this a deal breaker?
  
  I'll wrap up here by noting that if the concept of 'trusting your gut'  feels scary or foreign, you're not alone in that. Reasons ranging from relational trauma to cultural conditioning can attribute to a basic mistrust of our feelings and intuition, especially when it comes to relationships. The result can look like numbing out or even explaining away our feelings.

  
  You Don’t Have to Go it Alone

  
  Seeking out support through psychotherapy, coaching and/or group work may feel nourishing and helpful in the process. If you're interested in learning more about how I work with women and girls around this very topic, please feel free to reach out. I'd love to hear from you. Also, check out my upcoming Women’s Circle series developed with intention to create a safe space for women to explore the theme of intentional relationship. You’ll find more details about that offering below.
  
  Till next time, wishing you all health and ease,

Jessika

Other services offered by Jessika Fruchter, LMFT- Therapy for Women and Girls

In addition to providing art therapy for women in the San Francisco Bay Area and beyond, I also offer online therapy for women, therapy for teen girls, and spiritual psychotherapy for women and in California.

Other Services Include:

Groups and Workshops for Women: Magic happens when women come together! I offer new groups and workshops quarterly, both online and in-person. Topics and themes have included: 

• Therapeutic Writing

• Mask Making

• Tarot Practice for Developing Intuition

• Women’s Circles

Clinical Consultation for Therapists:

I specialize in collaborating with clinicians who want to integrate expressive arts therapy or psychospiritual practices such as tarot therapy, dreamwork, altar making, and ritual, into their practices. I also offer training on these topics. To learn more about my offerings for clinicians visit: www.mycreativepractice.com. 

Training for Psychotherapists:

I have a passion for providing creative and useful training to teams on the front line of community mental health. Past training has focused on trauma-informed expressive arts therapy interventions and burnout prevention. Training may also be developed/tailored based on the unique need of the team. Contact me here. 

Books and Blogs:

Check out my first book project for teens published in September 2021. For articles and essays about women’s mental health and wellness, check out my blog, Say More and you can also subscribe to receive the latest updates.